Never Split the Difference
Mastering Tactical Empathy
Just as in building Trusted Advisor relationships, this approach focuses on understanding others before seeking to be understood.
Sales: A Continuous Negotiation
Identifying Needs
Salespeople skillfully uncover customer pain points and desires, a crucial first step in any negotiation.
Addressing Concerns
Overcoming client concerns requires tactical empathy, active listening, and strategic reframing—core negotiation skills.
Achieving Agreement
The goal is to negotiate terms, price, and deliverables for a mutually beneficial solution, aligning value and needs.
"Negotiation isn't about _____ — it's about ________."
"Negotiation isn't about facts — it's about feelings."
The Six Core Techniques
Tactical Empathy
Consciously influencing emotions by demonstrating genuine understanding of the other side's perspective.
Mirroring
Subtly repeating the last one to three words of what someone just said to encourage them to elaborate.
Labeling
Verbalizing the other person's emotions or observations to validate their feelings and build trust.
Calibrated Questions
Asking open-ended "What" or "How" questions to guide the other party towards your desired outcome without dictating.
The Power of "No"
Allowing the other side to say "no" to build a feeling of control and psychological safety, making them more receptive.
The "That's Right" Moment
Aiming for the ultimate validation where the other person says "That's right," signaling true understanding and agreement.
Tactical Empathy
"Tactical empathy is understanding the feelings and mindset of another in the moment and also hearing what is behind those feelings so you increase your influence in all the moments that follow. It's bringing our attention to both the emotional obstacles and the potential pathways to getting an agreement done."
Mirroring
Repeating the last one to three words your counterpart has just said. This inquisitive technique encourages your counterpart to elaborate and builds unconscious rapport.
"Mirroring is the art of insinuating similarity, which facilitates bonding. Use mirrors to encourage the other side to empathize and bond with you, keep people talking, buy your side time to regroup, and encourage your counterparts to reveal their strategy."
Labeling
Validating someone's emotion by acknowledging it. This technique neutralizes negative emotions and reinforces positive ones, creating psychological safety.
"The fastest and most efficient means of establishing a quick working relationship is to acknowledge the negative and diffuse it. Give someone's emotion a name and you show you identify with how that person feels."
Calibrated Questions
Open-ended questions that begin with "What" or "How" and give your counterpart the illusion of control while actually guiding them toward problem-solving.
"Calibrated questions have the power to educate your counterpart on what the problem is rather than causing conflict by telling them what the problem is. They make your counterpart feel like they're in charge, but it's really you who's framing the conversation."
The Power of "No"
Allowing the other side to say "no" creates a feeling of safety and control, making them more open to real conversation and eventual agreement.
"No is not a failure. We have learned that 'No' is the start of the negotiation, not the end of it. 'No' is often a decision, frequently a delayed decision, and always a protection of something important."
The "That's Right" Moment
The breakthrough moment when your counterpart says "That's right" in response to your summary of their position, indicating genuine understanding and trust.
"That's right is better than yes. Strive for it. Reaching 'that's right' in a negotiation creates breakthroughs because it means that you've really listened to your counterpart and made them feel heard and understood."
Black Swan Theory

Hidden Game-Changers
Every negotiation contains unknown information that could transform the outcome if discovered.
The negotiator who uncovers these hidden factors gains tremendous advantage.
Ask Calibrated Questions
Probe to reveal hidden information
Maintain Curiosity
Approach with genuine interest
Stay Flexible
Adapt when new information emerges
Exercise: Real-World Negotiation Scenarios
Your task is to analyze your scenario and explain how you would leverage one, some, or all of the six core negotiation techniques to maintain momentum and achieve a successful outcome. You'll have 10 minutes for discussion within your group, followed by a 2-minute presentation to the larger group.
1
Buyer's Lowball Offer
A buyer makes an offer 15% below asking price, citing perceived market instability.
2
Undesirable Location Feature
Buyers love everything about the community except its proximity to a busy street/commercial zone, which raises concerns about noise and resale value.
3
Economic Uncertainty Hesitation
Prospective buyers are hesitant to commit due to fears about rising interest rates and a potential recession, despite finding their ideal home.
4
Conflicting Timelines
The attractive price offered to the client requires committing to a quick closing. The buyer initially accepts but then tries to ask for more time.
5
Unshared Misgivings About Fitting In
A prospective buyer seems to be getting everything they are asking for in terms of home, homesite, and price, yet they seem to keep delaying going to contract.
6
Conditional Loan Approval
The buyer's mortgage lender is requesting the builder to make accommodations they are unable to make before final loan approval.
7
"Paying for What I Won't Use" Concerns
Buyers are concerned that they'll be paying a premium because of all the amenities even though they don't intend to use them very much.
8
Healthcare Access Worries
Buyers express anxiety about the distance to quality healthcare facilities and whether emergency services can reach the community quickly.
9
HOA Fee Sticker Shock
Your client wants to buy in the active adult community but is shocked by the monthly HOA fees and questions what value they're getting for the cost.
10
Resale Market Concerns
An investor buyer is skeptical about resale potential in a 55+ community, worried about the limited buyer pool when it's time to sell.
11
Visiting Family Accommodation
Buyers love the community but are concerned about guest policies and whether their adult children and grandchildren can visit and stay comfortably.
12
Future Care Transition
Buyers are worried about what happens if their health declines and they need more assistance - whether they'll have to leave the community they've grown to love.
Scenario Analysis Worksheet
Scenario Overview
Describe your assigned scenario and identify the primary negotiation challenges:
  • ________________________________________________
  • ________________________________________________
  • ________________________________________________
Applying Core Techniques
Identify which 2-3 of the six core negotiation techniques your team would use and why:
  • ________________________________________________
  • ________________________________________________
  • ________________________________________________
Strategy for Momentum & Outcome
Detail your team's strategy to maintain momentum and achieve a successful outcome in this scenario:
  • ________________________________________________
  • ________________________________________________
  • ________________________________________________
Scenario Analysis Worksheet: Warranty Concerns
Let's walk through a completed example of the Scenario Analysis Worksheet.
Scenario Overview
Describe your assigned scenario and identify the primary negotiation challenges:
  • Prospective buyers love a new home in an active adult community but have heard negative feedback regarding the developer's post-closing warranty service.
  • Challenges: Rebuilding trust, addressing unspoken fears about long-term commitment, and ensuring the sale doesn't fall through due to perceived lack of support.
Applying Core Techniques
Identify which 2-3 of the six core negotiation techniques your team would use and why:
  • Tactical Empathy: Acknowledge and validate their concerns ("It sounds like you're worried about getting proper support after move-in, and you want peace of mind."). This shows understanding and builds rapport.
  • Labeling: Verbalize their unspoken fears ("It feels like you're concerned about the long-term commitment and reliability of our post-sale service."). This helps them articulate their apprehension and makes them feel heard.
  • Calibrated Questions: Ask open-ended questions to guide them toward a solution ("What would a great warranty experience look like for you?" or "How can we assure you that any future issues will be handled promptly and effectively?"). This empowers them to define a satisfactory outcome.
Strategy for Momentum & Outcome
Detail your team's strategy to maintain momentum and achieve a successful outcome in this scenario:
  • Listen and Validate: Begin by actively listening to all their specific concerns, using tactical empathy and labeling to ensure they feel understood, not dismissed.
  • Empower with Questions: Use calibrated questions to uncover the root of their anxiety and what specific actions would alleviate it. This shifts focus from general complaints to actionable solutions.
  • Offer Concrete Solutions: Propose tangible steps, such as connecting them with satisfied homeowners, providing a detailed written warranty process with timelines, introducing them to the dedicated warranty manager, or offering a pre-closing walk-through with a service representative to address minor concerns upfront. Aim for a "That's Right" moment where they affirm our understanding and proposed solutions.
Key Takeaways
______________ First
Negotiation success depends on addressing emotions before logic, just as in Trusted Advisor relationships
Tactical Toolkit
_______, _______, and _______ _______ create the psychological safety needed for productive negotiation
______________ Before Solutions
Seeking "That's Right" moments before proposing solutions leads to more durable agreements
Look for ______________
Hidden information often holds the key to breakthrough solutions that satisfy all parties
Key Takeaways
Emotions First
Negotiation success depends on addressing emotions before logic, just as in Trusted Advisor relationships
Tactical Toolkit
Mirroring, Labeling, and Calibrated Questions create the psychological safety needed for productive negotiation
Understanding Before Solutions
Seeking "That's Right" moments before proposing solutions leads to more durable agreements
Look for Black Swans
Hidden information often holds the key to breakthrough solutions that satisfy all parties
Thank You!
Tactical Empathy
Active Understanding
Deeply comprehending the other person's perspective, even when you disagree with it
Building Trust
Creating psychological safety that helps them feel heard and in control
Influencing Outcomes
Focusing on emotions first to create the foundation for rational discussion
Tactical empathy is to negotiation what deep listening is to Trusted Advisor—it's the foundation that makes everything else possible.
Tactical Empathy
Consciously influencing emotions by demonstrating genuine understanding of the other side's perspective.
Imagine a real estate agent showing a client a property. The client expresses frustration about a perceived flaw, like a small yard. A tactically empathetic agent might respond, "It sounds like you're worried about the lack of outdoor space for your kids to play." This acknowledges their concern and validates their feelings, creating an opening for deeper discussion rather than a defensive counter-argument.

Black Swan Scenario:
Sometimes, clients exhibit unexpected emotional volatility. For instance, a client might suddenly become agitated over a minor issue, such as the color of a bathroom, revealing deeper, unexpressed anxieties about making a large financial commitment or personal life changes. In such moments, tactical empathy means recognizing and labeling these underlying, unstated emotions, even if they seem irrational or out of proportion to the surface issue.
Mirroring

Definition
Repeat the last 1-3 words your counterpart just said, with an inquisitive tone.
Psychological Effect
Encourages elaboration while building unconscious rapport and trust. The brain responds positively to hearing its own words reflected back.
Example
"This is too expensive for us right now."
"Too expensive right now?"
"Yes, our budget is constrained until our tax refund comes through..."
"So the tax refund is the primary driver of your timeline?"
"Well, not completely, but it would make it a little easier."
"Is 'a little easier' just a little easier or the only way?"
Mirroring
Subtly repeating the last one to three words of what someone just said to encourage them to elaborate.
Consider a client viewing a home who says, "We really like the kitchen, but the backyard is small." An agent using mirroring might respond with, "Backyard is small?" This gentle prompt encourages the client to explain further, perhaps revealing, "Yes, we have two large dogs and they need more room to run around," which provides valuable information for the agent to address or use in finding alternative properties.

Black Swan Scenario:
A client who remains completely silent or gives minimal one-word answers presents a challenge for mirroring. When faced with a client who won't engage, mirroring short, non-committal phrases like "Interesting," or "You think?" after their sparse comments can sometimes break the ice. It signals active listening without putting pressure on them, slowly inviting them to reveal more.
Labeling
Verbalizing the other person's emotions or observations to validate their feelings and build trust.
Imagine a client looking at a house who says, "This backyard is so small, I don't know how we'd ever fit a swing set for the kids." An agent using labeling might respond, "It sounds like you're feeling frustrated about the size of the backyard, and worried about your children's play space." This acknowledges their frustration and shows understanding, rather than immediately trying to sell them on why the backyard is adequate. It opens a dialogue where the client feels heard, making them more receptive to solutions or further discussion.

Black Swan Scenario:
Sometimes, a client might deny or misinterpret a label and become agitated. For instance, an agent might label, "You seem hesitant about the closing costs," and the client might angrily retort, "I'm not hesitant! I just think it's too expensive, and you're trying to manipulate me into thinking I'm emotional!" In this scenario, the client is rejecting the label and projecting negative intentions onto the agent. The key is to de-escalate without retreating from the attempt to understand, perhaps by saying, "My apologies, I misspoke. What I meant to understand is your concern about the value relative to the cost." This rephrases the observation without invalidating the client's feelings and tries to get back to the core issue.
Labeling

Definition
Identify and verbalize the other person's emotions, even those they haven't explicitly stated.
Key Phrases
  • "It seems like you're concerned about..."
  • "It sounds like this is important to you because..."
  • "It looks like you're frustrated by..."
Purpose
Labeling defuses negative emotions by acknowledging them and builds trust by demonstrating understanding. It's like holding up a mirror to someone's feelings.
When you accurately label emotions, you demonstrate the same level of understanding that Trusted Advisors cultivate with clients.
Calibrated Questions

Definition
Open-ended questions that begin with "what" or "how" and guide the conversation without triggering defensiveness.
These questions give your counterpart the illusion of control while actually steering them toward problem-solving.
1
What about this is important to you?
Uncovers underlying priorities and values
2
How do you think I could achieve that?
Shifts problem-solving to them without being confrontational
3
What will ultimately help you meet your goals?
Identifies their true objectives beyond stated positions
Like a Trusted Advisor, you're using questions to guide discovery rather than telling them what to do.
Calibrated Questions
Asking open-ended "What" or "How" questions to guide the other party towards your desired outcome without dictating.
Imagine a client who loves a house but is hesitant about the price. Instead of trying to convince them the price is fair, a tactically empathetic agent might ask, "What about this price feels challenging for you?" or "How could we make this home fit within your budget?" These questions encourage the client to articulate their specific concerns or brainstorm solutions, shifting the conversation from a confrontational "yes/no" to a collaborative problem-solving approach. They compel the client to think and reveal more about their underlying motivations.

Black Swan Scenario:
A client who responds to every calibrated question with "I don't know" or "It's impossible" can be frustrating. For example, if asked "How can we make this work?", they might reply, "I don't know, it just can't." In this situation, the client might feel overwhelmed, disengaged, or simply unwilling to think creatively. Instead of pressing for an answer, try rephrasing the question to be less demanding or more specific, or even switch to labeling their apparent helplessness: "It sounds like you're feeling a bit stuck right now." This acknowledges their current state without judgment and might open a different avenue for engagement.
The Power of "No"
Creates Safety
Saying "no" gives people a sense of security and autonomy in the negotiation
Avoids a Premature "Yes"
Pushing for agreement too early triggers defensiveness and fake yeses
Allows for Probing
Use "no" as an opening to explore concerns, not as the end of conversation
When someone says "no," try responding with: "What about this doesn't work for you?" This transforms rejection into the beginning of real conversation.
The Power of "No"
Allowing the other side to say "no" to build a feeling of control and psychological safety, making them more receptive.
Imagine a real estate agent showing a client a property they seem lukewarm about. Instead of pushing for a "yes," the agent might ask, "Is this property completely out of the question for you?" By giving the client an easy "no," the agent reduces pressure. The client might then feel safe enough to say, "Well, not completely out of the question, but I'm worried about the commute," which reveals their true objection and opens the door for a productive discussion about alternative routes or other properties.

Black Swan Scenario:
Sometimes, a client might be so conflict-averse or eager to end a conversation that they agree to terms they have no intention or ability to fulfill, just to get out of the situation. For example, an agent might ask, "Are you completely unwilling to consider properties outside this specific school district?" and the client, wanting to avoid confrontation, says, "No, I'm open to it," even though they are not. Later, they ghost the agent or back out of a deal. In such cases, the agent needs to recognize the pattern of non-committal agreement. A follow-up might be, "Just so I understand, would it be a huge burden for you to look at homes in the neighboring district?" By framing it as a potential "burden," you invite a more honest "no" without directly challenging their earlier agreement, creating a safer space for their true feelings to emerge.
The "That's Right" Moment

The Ultimate Goal
Summarize your counterpart's position so accurately they respond with "That's right" – indicating you truly understand them.
This is the pivotal moment when trust is solidified and real progress becomes possible.
"'That's right' is better than 'yes'. It signals they feel genuinely understood, not just grudgingly agreeing."
This mirrors the moment in Trusted Advisor when clients feel you truly "get" their situation – it's when influence becomes possible.
The "That's Right" Moment
Aiming for the ultimate validation where the other person says "That's right," signaling true understanding and agreement.
Imagine a real estate agent who has been listening carefully to a client's often-conflicting desires: "We want a spacious backyard, but also a low-maintenance one. We need at least four bedrooms, but don't want a house that feels too big. And a modern kitchen is a must, but our budget is tight." After a thorough discussion, the agent might summarize, "So, if I'm understanding correctly, you're looking for a home with efficient, well-utilized space, a modern kitchen, a manageable yet inviting outdoor area, and all within a disciplined budget. Is that a fair assessment of your priorities?" When the client responds, "That's right! You've got it exactly," it signifies they feel truly heard and understood, paving the way for trust and effective collaboration.

Black Swan Scenario:
Sometimes, even after what seems like a perfect summary, the client might respond with an emphatic "You're wrong!" For example, the agent might summarize, "So the school district is your absolute top priority, and you're willing to be flexible on other amenities." The client might retort, "You're wrong! The amenities are just as important; we just can't compromise on the school district *either*." In this situation, the client isn't rejecting your attempt at understanding, but rather indicating a deeper, perhaps previously unarticulated, set of non-negotiables. The best approach is to immediately apologize for the misunderstanding: "My sincere apologies, I clearly misjudged the balance of your priorities. Could you please help me understand which factors are equally critical, and how they weigh against each other?" This invites them to clarify without making them feel defensive.